I am sorry you are struggling with all this stuff, DanceEngine. You have a lot going on. Having been cheated on repeatedly over the years, I would just suggest that putting a lot of energy into married men could sort of be the road to nowhere. Just my take.

I am also basically completely alone. No family to speak of. Almost no friends. But I do what I can to try to keep my chin up. PC helps me a lot. There is a lot of support here.

Is it possible to look for a more satisfying job? What about working toward getting a place of your own? Maybe setting some goals and beginning to try to work toward those?

Do you have a therapist or pdoc? Maybe a med change is in order.

Sending you strength and support. You can get through this. But you are probably going to have to take some action to get there. I hope you feel better soon.