In the title to this post you wrote you needed an urgent response. (Sorry this did not turn out to be one.) However in reading through your post there doesn't seem to be a question here. So I'm unclear as to what you were looking for in terms of replies. I went back & read though your previous posts, several of which I replied to. So I have some sense of your situation.

Unfortunately since I'm not a mental health professional, & not even all that knowledgeable regarding psychology, I can't tell you what it is that is causing you to have the problems you're having. What I can say is that I've had similar struggles throughout my life. For no particular reasons I would become fixated on a person & feel an uncontrollable urge to keep sneaking peaks at them. And then, if they caught me doing it, I'd cringe secretly with embarrassment. I can recall just a few of these incidents that occurred throughout my life. But even after all of these years they still have the power to affect me.

I suppose, perhaps this all has something to do with OCD. I've never been diagnosed as having OCD. (In fact, I've never been officially diagnosed as having anything except perhaps depression.) But I suppose it would be what is sometimes referred to as Pure O because I've not typically had anything in the way of compulsions.

You wrote you're a horrible person but you needed to get this off your chest & confirm you are what you think you are. Personally I don't think you're a horrible person. If what you're struggling with makes you a horrible person, then I'm a horrible person too. (Well... okay yes I am... but not because of this although I do understand how it can make you feel that way.) Anyway... I didn't really have anything in the way of words of wisdom for you here. I just wanted to share with you that you're not the only person who has had the struggle you're having. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support for you.