I do not believe that you are a horrible person and I do not believe that you are trash.

You mentioned in another thread that you would speak to a psychiatrist. I agree that that would be a good idea. Have you been able to speak to one? If so, what was it like for you? If not, are there adults in your life who would help you find one?

Problems such as you are describing are familiar to psychiatrists and therapists and can be treated. You can have a better life.

Please post here again and let us know how you are doing.