I am typing this out now because I'm fighting a part of me that wants what is left of me to be kept buried
I am drowning in every emotion that I kept under lock and key
I am typing this out now because what is left of me wants to be kept buried
It's harder to sleep now and nothing is any more easier to see
I am typing this because I'm weaning myself off alcohol because I could literally die without it
I am typing this because I'm staring at my door knowing the store isn't far away
I am typing this because I'm coping and standing still and every emotion under lock and key wants my attention
I want to say sorry, I want to say I'm angry, I want to say I hate you, I want what I see everyone around me has
I want to have one day...and I say this in as much as I can say with what part of me is sober because the alcohol I used to wean me is gone
I want to yell at myself for being weak, I want to numb myself with whatever I can find because I don't appreciate feeling
I am typing this because I can't sleep
Because I can't stop thinking
Because I want to run myself in to the ground
I want everyone to hate me because that's what I'm used to
I hate love
I despise how I could hurt someone or in turn be hurt by someone
I blame my parents and the abuse
the abandonment
I blame myself for giving in to every single peer pressure because I wanted to be needed by friends
I wanted to be looked up to
I wanted to be saved
I didn't want to be used
I wanted to be the hero but I didn't want recognition
I wanted to be what anyone could use as a shoulder
I wanted what I think I lost as a child
Somewhere I could fall asleep and not be afraid of what would happen when I opened my eyes
I have walked alone but it's far easier when you are young, arrogant, and selfish
I never felt as alone as thought I could bear when in the company of friends
I'm needy
Because I've given until I had none then gave more
I'm lonely
Because I never learned how to love myself
I don't want to give in, so I'll exhaust my mind
That's why I am typing this out.