Hello, I'm diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder with Psychopathic Features, and I still have my Callous-Unemotional traits from when I was diagnosed with Conduct Disorder, although they were called "Psychopathic Tendencies" on my sheet. I've also been formally tested for psychopathy using both the PCL-R and the MMPI-2 by different psychologists, to which I scored high enough to be considered one on both. I'm definitely interested to see that I'm not the only psychopath here, but as Atypical_Disaster points out that's probably because the forum seems receptive and genuine.

I have a hard time really accepting my diagnosis. I've had more than one opinion, and even participated in studies on psychopaths, and it's pretty unanimous. I think the reason it's so difficult for me to accept is that I don't really see myself as evil, and I still experience anxiety. Although, according to my clinicians, the "bold fearlessness" of anxiety is more about externalization and disinhibition than genuine aphobia.

I've actually had multiple people who were close to me point out that I'm a "master manipulator," "predatory," and a "control freak." But none of that is really intentional. I'm a pathological liar, so I say things that aren't true compulsively and stretch things into tall tales for no reason. In the moment, I don't really recognize that I'm doing that. It's actually really self-destructive, to the point where I had to be coached on how to force myself to tell the truth.

As for being manipulative, I never really set out to "manipulate" people. I just want to get things from them and I don't really think about how certain ways of getting people to do things are abusive or underhanded. Not that I really would have cared until I learned about enlightened self-interest, but it wasn't really intentional, either. I just forget that other people have emotions and have to force myself to care about them.



I still don't have a concrete identity. My psychologist says that it could be because I'm so antisocial that any attempts others have made to define me or put me in a role have been met with hostility from me. So I never really integrated with any role or habit of mine. The closest thing I have to an identity is what I want, and then I'll just do anything to achieve that, but what I want is normally just some form of amusement. In the past, that's made me cruel, but my psychologist helped me pick "pro-social" ways of amusing myself.

I guess I also like having security, which generally means that I try to maintain control or seek out positions of power, but that's just kind of life, isn't it? I guess not everyone wants security to the point that they become as anti-authoritarian as I am, to the point of going beyond irresponsible to intentionally doing the opposite of what I'm told. I suppose at that point it's self-destructive.

But I guess my point is that I'm not really a monster. I don't seek out to con other people or torture them. I'm not defiant to authority just because I want to rock the boat and cause discord. I don't use my free time to come up with schemes to take advantage of the less fortunate. I just have a hard time thinking outside of what I want in the moment. Which makes me self-centered, but not always selfish. I'm egocentric, not malevolent or narcissistic.