Quote:
Originally Posted by Affliction
I am typing this out now because I'm fighting a part of me that wants what is left of me to be kept buried
I am drowning in every emotion that I kept under lock and key
I am typing this out now because what is left of me wants to be kept buried
It's harder to sleep now and nothing is any more easier to see
I am typing this because I'm weaning myself off alcohol because I could literally die without it
I am typing this because I'm staring at my door knowing the store isn't far away
I am typing this because I'm coping and standing still and every emotion under lock and key wants my attention
I want to say sorry, I want to say I'm angry, I want to say I hate you, I want what I see everyone around me has
I want to have one day...and I say this in as much as I can say with what part of me is sober because the alcohol I used to wean me is gone
I want to yell at myself for being weak, I want to numb myself with whatever I can find because I don't appreciate feeling
I am typing this because I can't sleep
Because I can't stop thinking
Because I want to run myself in to the ground
I want everyone to hate me because that's what I'm used to
I hate love
I despise how I could hurt someone or in turn be hurt by someone
I blame my parents and the abuse
the abandonment
I blame myself for giving in to every single peer pressure because I wanted to be needed by friends
I wanted to be looked up to
I wanted to be saved
I didn't want to be used
I wanted to be the hero but I didn't want recognition
I wanted to be what anyone could use as a shoulder
I wanted what I think I lost as a child
Somewhere I could fall asleep and not be afraid of what would happen when I opened my eyes
I have walked alone but it's far easier when you are young, arrogant, and selfish
I never felt as alone as thought I could bear when in the company of friends
I'm needy
Because I've given until I had none then gave more
I'm lonely
Because I never learned how to love myself
I don't want to give in, so I'll exhaust my mind
That's why I am typing this out.
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You know what Affliction, you actually did very well here articulating the inner challenges you deal with. So many individuals WONT care to look inward like you have done here with this list.
Actually, you should consider finding a good therapist to help you with this list. AA meetings are helpful, however it's also important to see a therapist as well. Also, what stands out to me about your list is that you have very strong codependent issues. This most likely stems from your childhood and lack of experiencing healthy parents and you most likely suffered from Childhood Emotional Neglect.
A lot of the people in AA struggle with the same things you have shared on your list. Some of these individuals can't articulate it as well as you can. And YES, many use alcohol to escape "feeling their emotions". Some individuals HAVE TO go to an AA meeting so they don't feel so alone with the list they struggle with that is very similar to your own list.
It's very possible it's not really paranoia you are experiencing but "hyper vigilance". And the attack you described could very well be a panic attack/anxiety attack and they can be very debilitating and a person can feel like they are having a heart attack. And they can come over a person as if out of no where too. Unfortunately, I have experienced them myself and they sure are VERY scary and I have literally had them so bad I was flat out on the floor too. I even had one so bad I ended up in the ER only to hear the doctor say all my signs were normal which I could NOT believe considering how horrible I felt.
Also, if your addiction is only alcohol then you would do better going to AA meetings. It's good that you are at least getting "some" support. If you find an AA meeting that has a group you feel more comfortable with also you can look for a sponsor which is someone you can call and talk to when you go through these challenging nights you just described experiencing.
My husband has been sober for 26 years now, he goes to meetings 6 nights a week and he has been a sponser and he has his own sponser that when he gets overwhelmed he just meets with to hash things out. The point is there IS support out there so you don't have to be so alone with this challenge.