as hard as it may be to believe, i went thru the exact same thing. only it was on a MUCH bigger level.

i was a college student who was on the dean's list twice in five semesters. then the thing i was 'hiding' for years became what i couldn't any more! and i knew i couldn't handle school AND mental health at the same time. yet i let my parents talk me into (more like force me, tons of pressuring) trying. i can't describe what it feels like to waste thousands of dollars (aka lots of money), whether from your parents or somewhere else. that kind of anxiety and depression is unimaginable.
to this day, i'm their only child without a college degree and i still hear them drop 'lines' about that here & there. i will probably always battle the struggle of feeling like just a burden!!

so.... i don't have any answers for you, sorry.
only this- do what you can with what you have, and when you can!
if studying at the last minute works for you, then do it. if allowing yourself the flexibility to have a poor grade here and there gets you thru it, then absolutely do that - regardless of what others say/think. stay true to yourself and what you know is within your abilities. you're not lazy, just measured and reserved/patient - be proud and take pride in the little things. and continue to vent - we all need to