So T's away for 2 weeks, she said I can test and see if I pop into her head when shes away by emailing.

Yes that was wonderful to hear, her actually saying it was ok whilst shes on vacation. but now I feel like I want to, but what would be the point? Do I have some fantasy that by emailing her whist shes away,that somehow makes "our" relationship that bit more special then any of her others?

Then part of me thinks that she doesn't want to have to be bothered by me whilst shes on hoiday, but thats my thinking, T wouldnt think "oh I can't be bothered with that woman" I mean if I really believed that would I really still be in therapy with her, so this is my thinking, so what is the reality? That I miss her and an email connects with her again and she very plesently replys, but where does that go too? where does it lead? It really doesnt change anything, its just an email, but am I so emotionally unavailable that I cannot see that "just" an email is more then just that, its the connection, the remembering of each other? but part of me feels thats not enought, part of me thinks that unless T declares undying love for me "just" an email isn't worth it. Dam I sound cold. Perhaps I'm thinking to much and not taking into consideration the feeling I would feel if I emailed and T replied. Is this because growing up, the connection wasn't there, anything like that didnt' effect mum, you'd have to do something major for her to get her response. I remember once when a kid buying 2 chalk statues of Jeasus and Mary, not that I am regilous now, but as a child to me that reprsentend everything good in the world and I remember buying it and giving it to my mother and her laughing at them...my feeling of goodness died. Perhaps I think any love I offer anyone will be classed as not much at all, that my emailing T would feel like I was giving her something that meant a lot to me adn her not appriciating it..