I got to reading many of the other forums here, and I saw that a lot of personality disorders are actually fairly singular. Not to over-simplify them, but many cases seem to stem from over-correcting from a certain need that wasn't met or was met too well in childhood. This is even a theoretical model for treating them. BPD deals with abandonment, HPD deals with attention, NPD deals with validation, and so on.

Well, then AsPD would clearly, at least in some cases, be born out of an underlying feeling of powerlessness. Maybe not in all cases, but seeing this logic apply to other personality disorders, maybe it could apply to AsPD.

Then I remembered that the FBI has documents about catching psychopaths that put an emphasis on manipulating their sense of control. It seemed to add up. So, does that line of thought actually apply in reality?

For me, yes. I'm obviously a case study of one, so that doesn't prove a general rule. Honestly, I think AsPD is so wide that it probably applies to a ton of people for different reasons. But I realized that my devaluation of things I can't control, my repression of emotions I can't control, and my impulsive need to do the exact opposite of what I perceive people trying to "make me" do all stem from childhood trauma that left me feeling powerless into adulthood.

The emptiness I feel isn't boredom. It's more existential than that. It's a pervasive feeling of powerlessness. Everything that I am has been constructed to counter that, right down to my rejection of self-identity in an attempt to keep control over my own individuality. All that's left when you devalue larger goals is short-term, hedonistic gratification. All that's left when you devalue other people that you can't control is egocentrism.

That's why no amount of power or entertainment I seek is ever enough. The problem I'm trying to solve isn't an external one.

But it also means that I'm not a sadistic control freak because I just enjoy being evil. I'm a control freak because I'm broken, and I fill that hole with my pursuit for power when I'm not just trying to distract myself from it.

I guess this isn't really a revelation. It's in the DSM and, as I mentioned before, the FBI sees it in the behavioral patterns of criminal psychopaths. To me, though, I don't feel like I've ever understood myself as well as I do after this epiphany. I guess the next step is to find some way to accept my powerlessness.

I'm posting this here in case it helps anyone else out. I know this is indexed by Google and we have some lurkers. Just remember who helped you out.