I very rarely talk about this so sorry if i ramble or don't make much sense.
When i was 15 i was raped in broad daylight alonside another girl. The man was caught and is in prison. I have always been able to look back on the event without flinching and it has had very little effect on me. I was completely 'over it' in a few weeks. I wouldn't really question my reaction to this if something else hadn't happened when i was younger.
I have never told anyone IRL about this and only a couple of people online but my father is in jail. He raped my sister when she was eight and i was six. It only happened once and my mum found out pretty much immediately and told the police. Before this had happened to my sister, my dad had been touching/molesting/fondling (whatever you want to call it) me for about two months. I was young but still had an idea that this was very wrong. I was actually going to tell someone but then the incident with my sister happened.
When my mum, sister, police and many psychiatrists asked me if my dad had ever done anything to me i lied and said no. I remember vividly my reasons behind the lying; my mum was feeling terrible for not noticing it and i didn't want to upset her anymore and my sister deserved all of the attention. i had always been protective of my sister so wanted all of the attention on her i suppose.
I have had schizophrenia from a young age and various other mental illnesses and these were happening before the abuse. I always count these issues as bigger and more harming that either occasions of abuse.
I don't see why this doesn't upset me more! i feel sick for not being horrified about it and feel somewhat dirty or tainted. I even have visited my father twice in prison (even though i detest him) and i did get a bit upset after those occasions but it was more to do with my sister than what happened to me. i am grateful that i am not bothered by this but at the same time am confused. i haven't spoken to anyone else who feels like this...