This is long and the kind of story that is not simple. I am looking for honesty and kindness. If you can't give both at the same time, please don't respond. This is a sensitive subject for me, and I am not wanting to feel judged or hurt.


I have a friend who is a biological man (he considers himself trans - a female, but he has not taken the female pronouns, for self protection, and he has a male name, and looks like a male, and has not had surgery).

I have on and off known him through friends. I knew him back when I was 26, which was 10 years ago, and he was in his forties. I always wondered if he "liked" me. I did not feel the same, but I was and still do feel a connection with him on an emotional and intellectual level. When I started seeing someone back around 10 years ago, he started to keep his distance from me. Oddly, he says he does not remember this time. I asked him if he remembered the guy I dated and he said no. He does have issues with his memory.


2 and a half years ago, we came upon each other by chance at a thing of mutual friends. I sat near him, because it felt comfortable. He did not remember me until I told him how we used to know each other. We exchanged numbers, and met once for coffee, but I got a vibe like he might like me, and I worried about that, and ended up just dropping him.

This summer, we saw each other again by chance, and we ended up hanging out. It was kind of weird because he was so friendly even before I apologized. I apologized for dropping him. It was the right thing to do. I told him I was in a bad place then. (though that's not the truth).


We have since become very good friends. We have been pretty close friends since the end of summer of last year. Last year was when he told me he was trans. I didn't mind / care. It's no big deal to me. He made me a bunch of mix CDs for Christmas. It was sweet. But I was worried he liked me. I decided to bring it up, this time, instead of just cut him out. He'd been becoming an important person in my life. He said that he is just looking for friendship. So that made me feel better, and reassured me.


The truth is, I feel a connection with him. I guess I could call it an attraction. But it's not a sexual attraction. I am not attracted to him in that way. I do feel close with him though, and lately, at the same time, I've been feeling hurt by him. And I'm wondering if I am feeling too close, so close to the point of like faux boyfriend without the sex, a pseudo bf. It just feels very close emotionally, and I also notice, he is not able to meet my emotional needs, at the same time, and then I feel hurt.


I went through something similar to this with someone else once, only it was an old bf who was the wrong person for me, and we were faux bf and gf for a long time, under the guise of "friends." He ended up getting a gf eventually, and it really hurt, because I was so dependent on him for my emotional needs. I don't want that to happen again with this guy. I think I want to pull away.


That being said, my guy friend, this may seem SO small, and even I am like, "Why am I upset about this?" but I really am: last night we talked on the phone for over 2 hrs. We do that sometimes when we get talking. He will often say something afterwards to me like "wow we talked for 2 hrs I noticed" or "I can't believe we hung out for 3 whole hours." It's a little strange, in my opinion, and makes me wonder if he does like me, or why it matters. But this time, after we got off the phone, I decided to say it to him. I was feeling happy, and so I texted him and said "we talked for 2 hrs and 1 minute have a good night" He didn't text back, and he could have been going to sleep, though he said he was going to eat, and he didn't respond today. And I ended up texting HIM, and asking him if all was okay, and he seemed kind of blah but he said everything was good.

This ALL just makes me think........I've gotten too close. Because I have SUCH a reaction to his flippancy and inability to be there when I need him. Why do I need him? He's not my boyfriend and I don't want him to be. Should I detach and pull away? I do think I should.


Also I want to put some other things here too for some background that I hope is not too random. I have been depressed lately a bit. I'm going through a med change, and I noticed he's not able to be supportive in the way I need. Maybe HE is pulling away. He also invited me to play in a Dungeons and Dragons group of his, and I really like the people in it, and I liked the idea of playing, but imo, it pretty much is very boring and strange, and confusing and frustrating, and I can't get into it. So last night on the phone, I finally told him I didn't want to play anymore. I was really nice about it and he was fine with it and understood.


It just bothered me he seemed distant today. And isn't it ok because we're just friends! I think I need to pull away, I'm finding myself feeling hurt, even though logically I do not want more.