I probably should have a health care plan where I do the same crap every day, by discipline even if I don't want it. Like clean, take care of things and yea I need to walk more, our dog needs it and my "partner" needs to walk the dog less. I don't want any hobbies, I have a lot of things I am interested in but I don't wanna ruin them by trying when I don't feel any joy. I'll do other things instead. Maybe if I get in the habit of taking care of myself and my home, things will feel less out of hand.

I had a huge setback in my home improvement this winter because I let someone into my home that basically ruined it. My plan was to fix things up and now I'm back in the negatives, step wise. Maybe if I get that under control and up to date, it will feel better. I think that is better than trying to do anything fun.

I need to contact my doc for sleep meds. If this would ever work.

Last time I quit I actually came to the point I was feeling some joy without drugs. So it should come back. Even if it takes time.

It's sad that my creative writing the last years has worked because of different substances. It feels bad to put that on hold but I have no other option.

I know the first fun I will relate to is music. Will be happier when that comes back.

So yea I need to put my home back together after the guest, and my life back together after years of using. That doesn't feel too bad in a way, at least it is some kind of project.

And I got rid of my "friend" who kept nagging me to do things and said what is stopping me is just laziness (I have quite bad physical health to begin with and also ADD that makes it hard for me to start things), he kept lying to me that I had no problems and I should just up and do stuff. Least I know now, whatever I do, I fought for.

It is not the only friend I got rid of, four in all. So a lot in my life is really different from just a while ago. Does feel good in a way. Life really became so different from what I had planned. In some ways I needed those people, but now I have to do without.

Even before I feel better mentally, I'll try to nurture my relationship with my "partner", "sister", "soulmate", whatever you want to call her. I have been relying on her so heavily. I think I have to fake it for her, because that relationship is my most important one with a person.

I just wonder why I even quit, I sort of did fine doped up, I never got like totally out of it, and I didn't actually use up such money as expected. In a way my life was better, I just came to the point where the drug became an enemy. That happens with opioids, they stop being your friend. I wish in a way I could back down time and handled them more responsively. I mean, I was happy on that stuff. Sad it can't be forever, I have a hard time accepting that.

But my life will be easier, loads easier. A bit more money and no fear of the cops finding out what I'm doing. Being paranoid about the law is kind of a huge thing. Cuz yea, it is real. People get caught.

So in a way I do know what way to go.

It's just really weird to have your life and home destroyed by a "guest" and then decide to quit drugs on top of that. Well I actually started quitting before the stuff with guest. So I guess that is why.

I'm also slowly losing my best friend, my kitty. He is so strong he beat the odds and should already be gone. Now that he fought so well, the day he passes I will be... surprised. Shocked. He is "just old", with worn out kidneys.

Someone said I did well quitting. Like really meaning it being impressed. I came to think about that. What if it's true? What if this was a big deal and not just an everyday thing expected from me? What if I actually suffered and didn't just make it up? What if I actually did a big thing? IDK, that just made me happy to hear.

I'm used to hearing nothing I do is good or enough.

My "partner" has some kind of atypical depression so she is mostly negative, no fault of her own. She is resilient and reliable, in a way you wouldn't believe. But at the same time she really gets people down. She doesn't have introspective skills so she has no idea why things happen and what she can do about them.

But I know I have to make her happy. Pay back for everything good she did to me.

Maybe one day she can stop being hurtful to people, in the past I trained her similar to a dog LOL. And I got her then to get a more positive outlook and a friendlier way. But just one friend fighting another persons depression isn't easy, so I had to give up.

Having additional problems seem to make me focus away from the no drugs thing, so in a way it is good.

The thing I feel a bit bad about is the friends that are hours away. I really wanna see them but I'm not strong enough.

Usually I don't make messes out of posts, but I'll just keep this like it is..... sorta straight look into my brain, LOL.