Hi everyone! I'm new here and I am looking forward to talking with you all. I really need help, as I am struggling in a major way with something... I'll tell you a little about myself and why I am here.
Before I start, I will say that I have been diagnosed with major depression and severe anxiety online, but I DO NOT have a BPD diagnosis... and I KNOW that I can't diagnose myself, however I don't really have a way to be "officially" diagnosed because I can't see anyone in person about it. I have spoken with my online therapist, and we both feel as though I need to find a new online therapist that can help treat my bpd "traits", so I am in the process of looking for someone.
I really don't know where to begin, but I'll try my best at explaining my situation. To start off, my childhood wasn't good at all, my parents fought all the time and I felt like I had to be the mediator to keep them from killing each other, starting from when I was in kindergarten. Which left me not really having a relationship with either of my parents because I felt like I couldn't talk to them. In middle school,
I didn't tell anyone about this until my junior year. I always tried to be this "perfect" version of myself, and if at anytime I failed at anything, I felt like I was hated by everyone, and I would hate myself. In middle school, I started having these MAJOR "crushes" on certain type of women. It was only one woman at a time. It was nothing romantic or anything like that, although it did cause me to question my sexuality because I couldn't figure out why I would think about a woman obsessively. It wasn't until years later, that I realized that I wanted these women to be my mom. I ended up developing a relationship with 2 of these women. One was a teacher at my high school. I felt so close to her, but in reality, we weren't really that close. But I put her on this huge pedestal. And when she wouldn't text me back, I'd feel like she was trying to distance herself from me and that's when I'd begin to lose it.
Obviously, I wasn't successful, so fast forward 2 years later and I found my next "crush", or as I've learned through research of bpd, its "favorite person". I got into a super close relationship with another woman and she really became like a mom to me. I basically lived with her for over a year. Things were great. But then, she started seeming a bit offish to me, and the whole thing happened over again and I ended up overdosing and wound up in the hospital. This cycle is something that happened a few more times.
What led me here, is that recently, I've found a new "favorite person" and this time its honestly about to drive me absolutely crazy as I don't know how to deal with it. I've been pretty isolated for several years now, I don't really know anyone where I live, I don't talk to anyone from back home, its just myself and my boyfriend. I am in my 30s now, and am currently diagnosed with major depression and severe anxiety. And I feel like I am head over heels in absolute LOVE with this woman that I barely know, that doesn't live even remotely close to me. We've exchanged a few emails over a year, and I called her up this past November to talk about something that wasn't even personal. But we started talking and I flipped over her. A few days late I called her about something personal, when I was on verge of an anxiety attack (which was strange in itself because there again, I had only spoken to her on the phone ONCE) and she was SO kind, and caring and considerate of me that I absolutely fell flat on my face in love with her. I think the world of this woman that I don't even know. I want to tell her everything about myself, and I want to know everything about her. I want her to be my mom (I'm making myself sound like an absolute nutt right now, right?!) ... I even looked up adult adoption because I was fantasizing that she would adopt me!! Ugh, it's exhausting just thinking about it. Well, I finally realized that this was just not normal, and I started looking it up online, and found that this is something commonly experienced by people with BPD (although, I don't know if it usually happens with someone you don't really know?!). I didn't even know what BPD was, I had never heard of it. I looked it up online, and I've researched it for almost a month now. And I STRONGLY feel like I meet the criteria for BPD, specifically quiet, or discouraged BPD. I didn't really know how to take it at first, but now I almost feel (happy????) to atleast know that this may be the reason for so many things in my life, to how I think/feel about myself and others, and why I am the way I am with so many things. I feel that because I know what it is, that I can at least try to manage myself a little better. I have no hope of getting a proper diagnosis, as I can't see a therapist in person because I don't want my boyfriend to know. I am getting my depression and anxiety treated online, and had medicine delivered to me. There again, it's that fear of rejection if my boyfriend were to find out.
I am hoping to hear from some of you about your thoughts on my current "favorite person" and how to handle it. I've emailed her such dumb emails, degrading myself and I feel like I've made a complete idiot of myself to her, but she's still been so kind. This is really, really causing me some serious emotional pain, as I want to call her and I want to be close to her, but my anxiety won't allow it, and I am SOOOO scared that she will shut me out because I am sure that she will think that it's weird that I even want to talk to her like I do when I don't know her. How should I handle this? Do you think that I possible have BPD and this is related to it? I meet a lot of criteria (6 out of the 9(?) in the dsm) for BPD but this is the most bothersome for me, especially as of right now. I'm looking for advice, plllleasseee share some insight with me!
Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond to me
I'm really hoping that someone offers me some insight on how to handle this, because it is really causing me agonizing pain
