Over the past couple of weeks I've been debating on mentioning to my therapist about my suspicion I have Borderline Personality Disorder. People had mentioned there's a stigma in the MH community; after reading more and understanding both myself and Borderline, that was understandable to me, it was giving me pause to bring it up. I decided to bring it up and be open minded.

She asked why I thought that and I went through all of the things. Then she sort of asked what I was looking for in being diagnosed, like what I thought I would get from it. My reply was that, I think it sort of grounds me when I'm lost in thought or feeling, and helps me understand myself. It also allows for some compassion for myself which I have not experienced much at all until very recently, 20ish years of self hate really (15-35), but I'm working on it.

I asked what she thought, and she said something about it would take a lot to get an Axis 2 diagnosis, that she didn't think I had that. Then led into she didn't think it was helpful because that would mean it's permanent and could cause me to think I was limited in potential. That it could become something to blame instead of trying to change.

But that doesn't quite make sense to me. If I've experienced most symptoms for decades it seems like I'd want to accept it's a part of me, understand it, and work to manage it the best I could, for a higher quality life/ to lessen the severity and impact in relationships (external and my relationship with self.) It's not like I'm trying to add on a diagnosis for rationalization of behavior, or as some primary identity of who I am as some limiting thing.

We had a good session overall, further in, I explained I'd been reading into this book "Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder." Some of the stuff I'm at now in the book, is all about being mindful, thinking with intent, practicing observing thoughts instead of feeling them completely and letting them derail me. A lot of the stuff I got to in the book, are things she's suggested in a different way in past sessions and for homework. So I think I'm on the right track overall in working on myself. Might have been nice to have the validation to not feel like a fake about it. That is probably just an excuse I need to not let build that would keep me from doing the work I need to do. Also feeling the joy I could be feeling in being not trapped in my mind. Thanks for reading