I too have a disorganized attachment style. For me, this means that I am very distrustful and suspicious and I would not describe myself as someone who very much wants bonding. That seems terrifying to me and like a recipe for emotional annihilation. I get angry, resentful, and anxious when I feel any sort of attachment towards someone. Well, I veer between angry and dismissive of the attachment figure and inwardly (and unfortunately sometimes outwardly) clingy/needy and preoccupied. It's exhausting.

As others have mentioned doing, I also deliberately provoke the therapist sometimes. Takes the heat off of me emotionally. I guess that's part of the pushing away strategy. I've been doing less of that lately but instead just been unable to talk. Just realized I have sort of switched being inflammatory for not talking as much lately. I don't know what that's about. I'm not doing it on purpose.

Sorry, I don't have any advice. But you can't help it if you get attached to somebody.