Hello fpweakness: I see this is actually your second post here on PC. Still... it's not too late for me to say welcome to Psych Central.

In your post you asked how to handle your current "favorite person". And I don't know as I have any particularly insightful answers to offer you. But I'll share with you a few hopefully relevant things about myself as well as how I view your situation. (By the way, I'm not a mental health professional...just an old geezer with a computer & too much time on his hands.)

You mentioned you've been diagnosed, on-line, as having major depression & severe anxiety. You believe you may meet the criteria for BPD. However this has not been diagnosed. I've never really been diagnosed as having anything in particular although I kicked around the mental health system where I live for around 20 years or so. I suppose there's something written down somewhere for insurance purposes... probably depression & anxiety. I once read the book Lost in the Mirror though. And based on what I read in that book I thought it was possible I might have been diagnosable as having BPD when I was younger. (I've been told BPD tends to burn itself out as one ages. And I've certainly done that.) However in reading about Bipolar II, I can see where that might apply as well. And, as I understand it, BPD & BP II are not infrequently mixed up.

I've had a laundry-list of problems in my life... much of it self-imposed. I've tried seeing a few different therapists over the years but never stuck with any of them for long. And there's never been anyone in my life who had any interest in hearing about the myriad of problems I've struggled with. So, over the years, I've simply learned to keep it all to myself. (I've been hospitalized twice.) And now, at this late stage of my life, while I am married (my wife's accomplishment... not mine), I've just become an old recluse.

I posted a thread, here on PC, a while back that I titled: "Desperately Seeking Sigmund Freud" because I have this deep-seated need to be treated (cared for?) by someone who could truly understand the depths of my despair. I suspect it is similar to what you have experienced, & are experiencing now with your new "favorite person". The main difference, I suspect, is that you've found someone you've become attached to where I have reached the point where I don't believe that person exists. So I've stopped looking.

Since I'm not a mental health professional, I can't tell you what's at the root of your need for a favorite person. Perhaps it's something that is a symptom of BPD or maybe there's something else going on. That's something you'd have to delve into with the help of a psychologist or mental health therapist. But I think what I feel I can suggest is that the need you have perhaps might be looked at as messages from non-conscious areas of your brain that there is unfinished business you need to attend to. And, until you do, you're going to continue to find yourself becoming enmeshed in the kinds of "heroine-worship" situations you've been in previously & are once again in at the present time.

You mentioned you can't see a therapist in-person because you fear rejection from your boyfriend. I can relate to that. One of the reasons I've chosen not to pursue my own mental health needs is fear of my spouse's reaction. But I know, from personal experience, that choosing not to take care of myself, in deference to someone else, doesn't mean that the yearning for healing goes away. In fact, if anything, over time my experience is it becomes more compelling. So, at least from my perspective, I think what you may have to ask yourself may be which is more important your relationship with a boyfriend who may or may not accept your need for help in order to heal, or finally coming to terms with what keeps driving you into these "favorite person" relationships. That, it seems to me, is the choice. So far it sounds like your boyfriend is winning. I would like to suggest that, perhaps it might be worth taking the risk that he might reject you so that you can once-&-for-all heal from the trauma you have experienced in your life. Who knows... perhaps he'll even surprise you?

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.