Have been struggling lately. Not sure if it's directly BP per say. Although sometimes I'm not aware. Dealing with a couple things. One is I've been very frustrated with living with BP, anxiety, possibly some avoidant traits. Like bad frustrated. And not very accepting. To the point where I'm bursting into tears. Maybe because quite often I can rationally think how I feel is irrational, but can't control my emotions. It was pointed out to me by my pdoc that I'm a bit self destructive, especially since I periodically struggle with SH. He's recommending I go back into therapy. I don't know. I kind of feel like crap about stuff. Somedays I'm positive about wanting to do more to treat this and other days I just want to give up. Feels like I've given up. Haven't done anything around the house in months. It's a disaster. Every weekend I don't want to get out of bed and do stuff. I feel so exhausted. I feel like I use all my energy at work and then have nothing left when I'm home.

I'm also dealing with high stress and anxiety because I have something going on with my mouth. I saw an oral pathologist last week. She gave me a medicine to use, but I don't think it's working. Will probably have to have a biopsy to make sure it isn't precancerous. Probably years of smoking coming back to bite me. I had a 4 hour long anxiety attack at work the other day. I'm finding the stress and anxiety of dealing with this is triggering some mood issues. Periodically dealing with SI and SH thoughts. Have been worried about this for almost 2 months not knowing. Really getting to me, I think.