I so understand the utter pain in wanting to go so much but also knowing it will hurt so much to go. I sorta agree with what Kiya says, and also perhaps, the next time T is due to go on vacation you will have a memory of this and that will empower you to go to those last sessions before a break, knowing how you felt this time not having gone....perhaps on one level you were testing yourself to see just how much it would hurt if you didnt go? In a way you had courage to do that, because i've so wanted to do that but to scared because I knew I'd feel exactly like how your feeling now..almost like, better the devil you know, the the devil you don't kind of thing, meaning, I'm damned if I dont and damned if I do, but hoping that T will give me something to hold onto apart from my lingering pain I exprience before a break...