Today’s session was a push–pull between needing to get something out and having to be OK for training tomorrow. R replied to my e-mail first thing and said ‘Your agenda as always, but perhaps we could talk about this in session.’
When she arrived, I thanked her for the e-mail and confirmed that was my intention but I had flagged it up so that I didn’t spend half the session not talking about it. She compared my emotional experience to being hit by a tidal wave, so I’m confident she understands the depth of it.
‘Considering what we had been discussing, I heard the first line and my shoulders met my ears.’
I explained that the experience was on a par with the cinema experience.
‘I’ve cried before, I’ve…Whatever the past tense of shaking is before…’
‘Shaken? I am being smart now!’
R continued ‘What jumped out at me from your e-mail was “If there’s any correlation between emotion and physical pain, I could almost believe the Critic.” Somewhere along the line, someone has told you or you have told yourself that crying is dangerous.’
We talked about this a little before I explained that it feels like too much for one person to handle, but it is impossible to explain, because it feels illogical that I should be in this much emotional pain after so long. I then had an argument with myself about logic and emotion.
‘You caught yourself, though.’ R noticed that I looked like I was in a similar place.
‘And I am fighting it.’
‘Fighting it?’

‘I should have started with this, but I have training tomorrow.’

‘OK. I see why you want to stay in a good frame of mind.’

Nevertheless, the rest of the session revolved around my belief that none of this would have happened if Chris were still here.

‘This is going to sound like I blame her.’

‘By saying that you’ve cancelled it out. You’re not blaming her.’
‘I don’t blame her, I don’t blame her.’
R asked whether she could interject. ‘From knowing you and understanding your relationship with Chris, there is no part of me that thinks you are blaming her. Perhaps the circumstances, but not her.’
‘Nothing in this ****ing world can change that. I never knew anything about Chris’ health until I had to, and the not knowing was a gift.’

‘What always strikes me when you talk about Chris is that you had that blessing of not knowing. Then the emotional abuse happened.’ I almost recoiled.

‘I know what I just did. We agreed to use the term.’
‘The mistake was mine.’

‘That takes me back. What do you mean?’

I explained about the short period of time between Chris’ death and my maternal grandfather’s death. ‘Why do I feel like this is new information?’

‘You have told me about that before.’
‘In the aftermath of Chris’ death, the one person I wanted…that sounds weird.’
‘Don’t worry about how it is going to come out. I think I know what you are trying to say.’ R then said that she wanted to be mindful of not leaving me in a difficult place, but did I want to finish that thought?

‘The one person you wanted to talk to about Chris’ death was Chris.’
R then said that she wanted to do a review of the session to wrap up. She mentioned that I had been intellectualising a lot.

‘When we first met, you had the timeline, and I felt like what you wanted was to narrate every element and understand how it happened. Then you realised that there are emotional elements to it, and now you are thinking ‘I don’t want to touch that emotional ****!’ It’s scary.’
I laughed. ‘Exactly.’

‘You’re laughing, but it rings true?’

In that moment, R’s ‘impression of me’ was spot on.
We had to finish there, but I mentioned my intention to R to say something to my boss about the impact of the upheaval at work on my mental health.
‘That’s really brave.’