Hey everyone

I havent been on in a long time, for 10 months I took my meds regularly, didnt drink as often and didnt have any episodes that were bad enough to cause a disturbance in my life. So I didnt come around because Bipolar wasnt in my mind other than twice a day at med time and I liked it that way.

2 weeks ago some depression started and I got sick and couldnt take the meds one day because of my throat. After that I just couldnt make myself take them anymore. Then I started drinking again and I have been drinking a lot.

I have been mostly non-compliant since the bipolar issues started except for that 10 months and I know the trainwreck I am headed for and I dont want it. But it feels impossible to go back on the meds and quit drinking. I believe I am bipolar and I believe I am an alcoholic and I know how horrible this all is but I feel like I am watching myself make these decisions with no control over it.

I had a T appt today and we talked about the no control thing and how that is not true. We also talked about how if I was just gonna go this route I might as well just get as drunk as I can mess things up and be forced IP instead of dragging this out and causing more harm in the meantime. That sounds stupid but in my messed up mind it almost makes sense and I feel really dumb when I think about it.

I dont know what I want here and I feel bad that I am only a regular when I need help but I need the help bad enough that it is worth it to come back even if i dont deserve to. I want to take the control back and not have to go IP to get back to normal, how can I do that myself?

Feel free to tell me I am being stupid, I know I am but if you have any suggestions or things that have helped you I would sure appreciate them.