I am alone. There is no , no, no , no and no in my life. I still think about her. It is more than a decade, after I last saw her. I didn't have any relationship in that time. I considered her to be a woman of my life, but she saw that otherwise. She expressed her disinterest to me very clearly. I couldn't take it. But I need to move on. I need to find someone to be in my life. But how can I do it? I was convinced that she was the one person in my life. Why isn't she the one? And who else can I find? I am getting older and more anxious and staying single with zero experiences. My disappointment over my life is obese. I fell like a loser. I don't want to be a loser. I want to win a heart of a girl, who is supposed to be in my life. Sometimes I am so desperate, that I just want any girl in my life. Including her. But she doesn't seem to be healthy for me. So I avoid looking for her here on the internet. I try to forget her, but I can't. Even she told me that I should forget her. But I don't like to be told things. I don't want to be forced. And I won't forget her- it is just ridiculous to do that. But at least I could lower her importance on my life and make a room in my mind for someone new. ... My life is empty. I feel empty almost the whole time, since I last saw her. She colored my life. I don't know how to fill this emptiness. I became numb, cynical, angry. My life is lame. It was always lame, except very early childhood and two years in college. Why is there so much lameness in my life and so little joy? How to turn that around? I am not good enough. I am not good enough to feel good. I need someone in my life to feel good. This is lame. This is pathetic. I don't wish to live like that any longer.