I wish I had some insight about what you ask, but sadly I don't. Do you think that perhaps a consultation with a professional therapist might help you in your quest for answers?

I think that if people are honest and truthful, everyone would admit to having been both kind and cruel to others in life including towards animals.

I don't remember much about my childhood but I remember asking my father to get rid of insects in the house that I was scared of. I still eat meat although I realize that livestock is often treated cruelly and inhumanely. At the same time I remember feeling very badly when as a I child I noticed other children stepping on ants just for "fun."

Life is a journey. It seems like you have more insight into things than many people. If you are afflicted with a mental health problem you are less responsible for your actions than others.

Sometimes people labeled as "cruel" have gone on to become great humanitarians. The German Industrialist, Oskar Schindler was once a Nazi and responsible for many deaths. But later in life he rescued many people.

Although we cannot change the past, we can often change or at least influence the future. I don't know what the last chapter or your book will be . . . or mine. Hopefully we will all become as kindly as possibile given the limitations we face, including the limitations imposed by our mental illnesses which are often huge impediments to our freedom.

Each of us are hemmed in by limitations. None of us are infinite beings with infinite knowledge and power and perfection. It is perhaps rare that our deepest desires are not twisted this way and that by things we did not choose and which impede the full exercise of our free will. How often do people act with full knowledge and full freedom of will without any impediments? How often do we do things that we will with 100% of our being . . . with all out hearts, minds and strength?

If we are called to be compassionate to others in their weakness and falls, are we not called to be the same towards ourselves? How can we be people of mercy and compassion if we do not have mercy and compassion for ourselves?

I'm a newcomer here on these Forums, but I see you have many posts here and I'm absolutely positive your posts have helped so many people. Sometimes even sharing negative experiences is so helpful in that it shatters the terrible isolation and loneliness that people feel trapped in their own personal anguish and pain. These kinds of sharing are healing and even life saving.

I think it would be a mistake to think that saving lives is something that only critical care workers do or something that is only done in once in a life history making feats. There is a quiet, uncelebrated life saving going on and I think you are one of these heroes.

Wish I knew what else to say. Apologies to you if anything I have said has made you feel bad. Hopefully others here will have more profound and better thoughts for you! -- Yaowen