Don't even try to answer why she did not wish to be with you. Please get some professional therapy support. They can really help you to move past this.

Of all the women I have been with, and I am sorry to report that that is a fairly sizable number, tragically, there are one or two that I do still think about regularly. Neither was a nice person, to be charitable. Both ended badly. I felt and feel I was mistreated. I believe that the fact that both ended so very unsatisfactorily for me, that I never got to say my piece and express myself, so on, is probably a big reason why, all these years later, I still think about these most unkind, not very good people.

The good news is that these memories cause me no pain now. Occasional, short-lived aggravation, perhaps, but it is really no problem. The Power has been taken out of it.

I sincerely hope that you can get to a place where the power has been taken out of this relationship you had. You need to move on with your life. You deserve that.