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Feb 16, 2020, 06:55 AM
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Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,008
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Hey @imaginethat
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Originally Posted by imaginethat
How do you handle being around a family member who you have disliked for years, tried to get over but can't?
My dad's uncle has always been loud and verbally abusive to those around him. I finally stopped talking to him altogether but recently thought to try to like him for my dad's sake.
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I wish society or families or whatever would stop making people feel that its ok to take abuse because its coming from 'family'. That you should be forced to endure horrible relationships for the sake of another family member. Or that you are a bad person if you do not engage with them. Would you ever tolerate this from a friend or stranger? Then why tolerate it from family?
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He and my dad believe that if you're a family member, you should be "friends" no matter what.
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He and your dad do not understand human dynamics then. Tolerating abuse from friends or family is not ok, Its not disloyal to take control and protect yourself.
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I tell myself all kinds of things to be a more tolerant person. I've tried to be "an adult" and just get over it. But I simply can't be around my uncle. And it upsets my dad, which I hate.
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Your Dad is cosigning your uncles's BS and a part of the abuse if he tries to make you feel bad or influence the way you feel about your uncle. Sorry to say but if he is upset about you doing the grownup thing and ignoring your uncle- then he is a part of the abuse. He should love you and want to protect you. He should want you to feel safe and loved. He is choosing your uncle over you and its not ok.
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What should I do? How can I go around ignoring my uncle if he's such an ingrained, close part of the family? My family is apparently more tolerant than I am, and I hate that. I feel like muffling my feelings is not fair to me. If I stop muffling them, it will cause much disruption in the family and more verbal abuse.
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I am going to be blunt here, and I am not trying to be harsh.
It is your responsibility to protect and take care of yourself. You already know that your loved ones are not going to do it for you. You need to set boundaries and stick to them. I believe you should have a convo with your dad and whatever other family members that encourage you to turn the other cheek, and tell them you cant, you wont and you dont have to accept abuse. Set consequences, expectations about what will happen when your boundaries and then keep them. You may want to tell your dad that you will not accept abuse and that he needs to stop pressuring you to accept it. Tell him that if it continues you will have to limit contact until your boundaries are honored. Tell him that it hurts you to know that he is tolerating this behavior and expecting you to as well. Its not worth having this conversation with your uncle because he has already shown he doesnt care about your feelings but your dad and other family needs to know. And they need to know that you know you cant count on them to take care of you and that you need to care for yourself. We teach people how to treat us- in the sense that if we repeatedly tolerate abusive behavior without saying something, Or we say something, share a consequence and do not enforce it- we are teaching them that our word means nothing and we really wont go through with what we said we would. They will keep re-victimizing us knowing that we will not actually do anything about it.
I am sorry you are in this position with people that are supposed to love you.
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"
President of the no F's given society.
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