Hey everybody. After 12 long years of "madness", I've come to terms with my condition. I believe my main illness is due to extreme shifts in mood. At my worst, these shifts led me to fall in love with a relative stranger for a few years. At my best, I've come to realize what I'm capable of if I can access that internal energy. I went through a period of time where I was trying to get off the meds, by myself. But I know that I just have to deal with the obstacles somehow, some way. Yes, in a manic state I could be very useful, but when the depression hits I am useless. I know the importance of the meds in restricting my range of feelings and thought, and though I had described being on meds as being a caged animal, I know that being off them will not lead to a sustainable existence due to the personality inconsistencies involved. For example, I had it in my mind that I would go into sales. It might be possible and I might even be a terrific salesman on the days when I'm manic, but what about the days I crash? What about the days I didn't sleep the night before and I'm not at 100%? It just won't work.