For the most part, I feel I have a rather laissez faire-attitude in life, and yet in some ways I can be a bit controlling. Not of others really, but of my own situation and environment. Perhaps some may interpret occasional actions of mine as attempts to control situations that could affect others, but again, it's more self protection. I still cling to idealism, a bit, and am often determined in that. When something or someone is harmful, I do want that to end. I do have a few self-oriented perfectionist traits, but only a few. I don't care if others are perfect or not.

I likely once wrote here about a figurative glass wall I often put between myself and those I'm not 100% comfortable around/trust. Sometimes I can come across as open, but it may still have a guarded air about it. That developed in my teens, as a protective measure. I've also used the analogy of being slightly Teflon. Figurative "bullets" seem to bounce off me a lot, as long as they aren't a shower of bullets. The "slightly" means that some bullets do occasionally make it through some cracks and fester. When it's like a machine gun shooting, I run, hide, or often fight. And I can fight!

Once I do feel safe with a person, situation or place, my glass wall disappears for them. With them, I tend to be extremely open, rarely if ever angry, fully trusting and secure, and full of deep affection, and other positives. Any wrongs are menial. With them, I am supremely devoted and giving. Unconditional love/caring.

I have had a variety of reactions to past therapists and psychiatrists. I could write a short novella about the transferances and even countertransferences. It's complex and long to describe, but I am happy that my current therapist seems to be a very neutral safe ground for me.