I asked this question, because this was the deepest experience that I had with a girl and I have the trouble to grasp the full lesson out of. It would be much easier to call her an ex, but it is hard to tell what she felt towards me, before she felt fear. She knew the whole year, that I was in love with her as her friends teased her. So she knew I was in love with her and she was still nice to me. Why would you be nice to someone, who is in love with you, if you don't want him? She knew this for a whole year and let me live with the false hope. So it made me mad, when she refused me, as I wasted the whole year of my life. I typed to her some unpleasant messages. I had really trouble communicating with girls afterwards. After seven years I still didn't manage to find a girlfriend, so I thought that there was still some unfinished business. I thought that my mail would finally prove to her how important she was for me, but it had different impact on her as I expected. Of course I want someone to love me, but I don't know how that would be possible. I was really crazy about her up to the point that I would sacrifice my life to her. What more can you do for a girl, who you love. So I felt very humiliated that I was willing to do anything for her and she didn't even want that. What more can you offer? Rejection hurts and yes I agree that my emails after that were unnecessary. The problem is that I don't know about her moving on. I really hope that she finds the guy she can be happy with even if that is not me. If she has another one, there is no more of my interest in her, it is so simple. That is how I have always felt towards her. I have always loved her, but I hated to love her, so it is complicated. And because I hate to love her, I can also say I don't care about her. It is like you feel something that you don't want to feel and because you refuse to accept it it gets stronger and out of control. And then even love becomes destructive. It is hard to me to accept that I have emotions of love, it makes me feel weak, ashamed, effeminate and afraid of being mocked. I'll try to accept my emotions in the future, so they won't get out of control. I don't see if there is anything I can do about her fear, as she doesn't even want me to contact her. It seems that me not interfering with her life is the best I can do. So she'll have to deal with her fear on her own anyway. Sorry. I am really sorry. I feel bad for her feeling fear, I would prefer she would feel otherwise. But I don't see any option that I could repair the damage I have done, so what now?