*There could be mention of Christianity or Christian Practices throughout since this was about Pastor T*
I saw him last night. I was feeling heavily sedated and tired from the medication change. He asked me about my week. My parents had been away and that is usually hard for me. I made myself very busy last week. I told him that I had seen my psychiatrist, hence the medication changes. He, comically, looked it up on his phone. Good old Google. He does have a medication book but it is outdated. He seemed to think that I shouldn't be feeling sedated but it is listed as a side effect of the anti-psychotic medication that was increased. I also told him that I had gone to the NAMI support group meeting. He asked me if I would go back. I said I would probably try it again. I'm not sure yet if it is helpful but I did at least try it and I participated.


I told him that I was having hallucinations that day (yesterday) of rats. He asked me how I dealt with it. I said after I got over the initial "shock" of it that I was telling myself that it wasn't real, it was a hallucination that it wasn't going to hurt me. He said that was good but that I should also pray to God and praise God for being with me and letting me know that it wasn't real.


We went over the homework. I had to memorize a verse, which I did. I had to do a chapter in this book he likes to use, which I did and I had to discuss what I got out of it. Like how I was applying it to my life. Then I had to discuss how the Holy Spirit helps me with Spiritual Warfare. He said I made some good observations and now I need to apply it to my life. I need to say no to the Self Harm. Of course my anxiety spiked then. Earlier he had asked me if my anxiety had spiked last week when we were together. I told him it had. He said I wasn't able to tell him then that it had. He asked me what I did to get over it? I didn't know. I just got through it. The last part of the homework was going over how your blood is cleaned in your body. I have a delusion that there is something wrong with my blood. Even though my blood tests come back fine. He said what am I going to believe, science? or emotions? Emotions can be curiously powerful. I know he wants me to believe science, and I want to too, but it's hard when I feel something and it's hard to convince myself that it is not real.

We went over what I am going to do for homework this week. We talked more about the blood and what I feel is wrong with it. He said I struggle a lot. He said to take care of myself and stay out of hospitals. I told him that I hadn't self-harmed in 23 days.


What I didn't tell him is that I feel like I need to throw out my things I use to self-harm. But I'm having trouble parting with one of them. I know he would tell me to pray about it and then be obedient to what God is telling me to do. It's hard because I want to hang onto it. Which means I am not totally ready to give up self harm, right? He asked me if I am doing it (giving it up) because everyone is pressuring me to, or do I want to. I told him it's complicated. He said of course. I said I do want to give it up, but that yes people are pressuring me.


All in all, I thought it was good. He said I worked hard.


Comments okay, Kit