This was Monday, seeing him again today

The session before we'd talked about me wanting to be able to actually go into my emotions in session, instead of being detached 99.9% of the time and getting hit with all my emotions at once and having breakdowns every once in a while.
I admitted to him on Monday that it would be helpful if he pushed me on the eye contact thing. There have been a few times he's asked me to look at him but I usually say that I can't. I need him to be a bit more persistent with this. His response was about other things he wants me to do in addition to making eye contact: sitting in the chair instead of on the floor and taking all self harm off the table. I kind of shut down and got upset about that because I felt like I'd told him something that would be helpful for me even though it's really hard and it felt like he'd just listed off all the other things I wasn't doing right. I told him this and he reflected on it and said he could understand how I would feel like that. After a bit of silence and sulking he asked me what I was feeling at the moment and I sullenly responded "petulant" and got a bit of a laugh from him. He tried to get me to look up but I told him now was not a good time and to drop it. I was feeling too resentful of how he'd handled it.

I changed the subject and brought up a realization I'd had about some abuse memories. We talked about the memories more in depth, he asked questions that kind of took me back into the memories. When I'd gone into them when I was alone I got really upset in like a threatened fight or flight way, and felt a bit hysterical, but there in the room I felt detached and not all there. I told him this. The last thing that I asked him as I was about to leave was "do you believe me," something I've asked many times before. He said what he always says, that yes he believes me. I think I was crying at that point. Then he told me to be careful and try to be present on my ride home. He sounded concerned. I waited outside a bit until I felt slightly less detached from everything before getting on my motorcycle, but I was still pretty out of it for a few hours.