I just need to vent. Please take that for what it is. I’m so I sick of being told I can do something when I can’t seem to hack it. If my anxiety and overall well-being is being put to the test day in and day out, how am I even living? I’m not. I’m dying slowly through stress and anxiety and pain of work and fear of not having a job. I can’t afford that either.

It gets minimized every time I bring up how I struggle. “So and so can do it, so can you.”. “It can’t be that hard”. “I think you can do it.” — not one statement is helpful. They just remind me how screwed up this is that I can’t do it.

I know I couldn’t get disability because I’m able bodied I guess, but I feel crippled by my anxiety, especially here. When I worked as a teacher I was stressed all the time but not panicked. So maybe it’s just this job? I just don’t have an alternative and anything else in this area would be fast paced and less pay so more anxiety and stress for less. I hate call centers so much. But here I am.

I’m sitting in my car. I can’t go home because I’ll be yelled at for leaving work early and deal with that all day. I already feel worthless and have fears and anxieties— I don’t need to be preyed on.

I plan to go back in, in about 30 min. That’ll give me about 45min off the clock. My time isn’t an issue as far as employment goes right now , but I can’t keep doing this. I just can’t. I can’t see a psychiatrist until next week (Wednesday). I just don’t know what’s left to do. I’ve tried breathings, I’ve tried this weird “counting” method. I’ve tried just suffering, it just doesn’t work. I get so bent out of shape. I’m just broken beyond repair and nothing but a waste. That’s how it feels. No one can even acknowledge I’m suffering without putting some spin of “it’s not that bad” on it.

Oh, and tomorrow is my birthday. Hurray.

That’s it I guess. Please, I’m putting myself out here in a fragile state as it is which is dumb on my part — but please accept on your part this is where I am right now and no “I believe in you, just change your mindset!” Is gonna do much good here. There isn’t even a need for comments honestly, so don’t feel obliged. I just wish someone could understand how this affects me and why I feel the way I do. I guess if I were better with words it’d come easier.

Thanks for reading .