Hi. I've been here for a few months. It's weird when you think something happened last week and find out it was actually 4 months ago. That's a chapter in my life.

I have an eating disorder and I si. I have PTSD. I have DID. I also have Denial disorder and think that basically I am pathetic and there is nothing wrong and if I would just stop whining and get over myself, I would be fine.

I say things I didn’t say and totally confuse those who love me. Not only that, when people say I say them, I have been known to argue with them about it and sometimes it’s apparently another part that argues with them so not only did I miss the saying it part, I missed the arguing part of it and so when they talk about it, I am so confused that I argue about arguing about it AND saying it. And then I get hurt feelings when the family member/friend who was there the whole time is upset and wondering if I am crazy or they are crazy when fact is, I am the only crazy one although I am making them crazy.

I watch a movie and then find out from someone that not only did I see that movie, I went to the theater and saw it. I find bears in my room that I don’t know where came from. Thankfully the part that gets them only likes the stuffed variety.

I have children and they are struggling with life. They are my world and I love them more than anything. They are bright and funny and incredibly awesome. But, they are dysfunctional because their mother is dysfunctional. There is a part of me that apparently is an awesome mom. They like to hang out with her. Even knowing it is me, I feel like I miss out a lot of times because I am not there. Which is just weird because it is me . . . I am jealous of me . . .

I am so emotionally and physically drained and often suicidal. I make weekly commitments to stay alive, hang in there because “it will get better” and yet it seems the more aware I become of my life and what goes on on a daily basis without me, the more I don’t want to hang in there.

I live in constant fear, constant stress, constant panic. I wake up with panic attacks more often than not. It might not be so bad if at least I knew why but I don’t even know why. I have panic attacks during the day and I don’t even know what triggers them half the time.

I am a single mom because my husband has died. I work full time because regardless, the bills have to be paid. And, the whole time I am wondering if I was there the whole time or not. Did people notice I was different? Thankfully it seems that when I am not there, the part that is, is enough like me that people don’t notice, but then I guess after all these years, they are good at the deceit. Which again sounds totally stupid because it IS me . . . I have had people irritated with me and not know why. I have finished discussions that I didn’t start. I have finished jobs that I didn’t start. I am good at deceit too.

That is my life in a nutshell. And I never would have thought I would write anything in this forum that was personal, but I am desperate for support.