Hi guys,

So I've always had these feelings. But they are more intensified more so now. I've had boyfriends in the past been boyfriend free for about 10 years. I've never been with a girl romantically. My parents would frown upon it. They are very traditional boy/girl relationships only. They can't even cope when there is a gay kissing scene on tv or in film.

I develop these crushes quite a lot and it seems to be not a certain type. I mean I don't care what you look like all I care about is if you care for me and are genuine.

There is this OT who runs a mental health group I go to. She is much younger than me say 10 years. She is actually very pretty. But it's the way she talks to me that has me. She always uses my name even though I am not her patient. She smiles at me. We have a laugh. I feel like I can talk to her.

Then there is her student she is from Canada and is over here. Well she goes back home this week. I'm absolutely gutted. I will never see her again. I have actually never seen her professionally either. I have seen her on 3 or 4 occasions via the group. But she always has this thing about her. Again she is much younger than me maybe more than 10 years. I saw her on Tues afternoon at my mental health centre. She was walking past the waiting room which is all windows. She looked at me. Gave me the biggest smile I have seen in a long time and a massive long wave. I felt special right at that moment.

I had these same feelings 3 years ago for my then student clinical psychologist. She was from Germany and was amazing. I loved her I really did. I was gutted when she had to leave as it was her time up at the centre which was her placement. I remember the last session. I gave her a wee card. I so wanted to hug her but I know that is unprofessional. I was her last patient of the day. It was 4:30pm when I left. I was walking to the bus stop and I started to cry. As I walked to where you would drive to and fro the centre here she is driving her car. She saw me, stopped waited for me to walk to cross the road, let me cross in front if her car, waved and smiled the biggest smile she could. It felt magical and that it was fate. Man I miss her.

I'm like this with people in my life, teachers when I was at school etc. I fixate on them. I don't know why I am like this.

I feel sad and upset writing this as I see their faces in my mind and I'm so happy. I wish I could draw so I could sketch them and save them for when I really need them in my life. My mind is fooked up I think