Today’s session ended up being a bit more work focused than I had intended, but it was all useful. R came in and sat down and immediately asked how my training went. I replied that it was good, and then mentioned the meeting I had with my boss.
‘She had things she wanted to talk about, and I had things I wanted to talk about. I didn’t get the chance to talk about the move.’
R reminded me that the fact I want to is big –‘a move towards authenticity.’
We talked about a piece that I want to write on mental health, and my perception of my responsibilities towards my students.
‘I don’t want to come across as Fragile Lost. If you Google me, certain things will come up.’
R. offered the perspective that my writing on mental health and sharing it may lead to my students respecting me more.
I then spoke of my concern that ‘those people’ might find it.
‘Those people could be anybody, but calling them ‘my’ anything is a bit too close for comfort.’
R offered that I might be thinking about this too much through the lens of what might happen.
‘What if you wrote this piece and it was well received?’
I appreciated her point of view. She offered that I might consider ‘Give me the courage to accept what I can change…’

‘The Serenity Prayer?’ I recited it.

‘I am not sure whether that is what I am thinking of…’

I then explained that I feel as though I have been in a state of suspended animation for a week, finding it hard to hold things.

‘Hold as in hold them back, or be with them?’
‘Hold them back. Throughout this week, a fragment of a song has been playing in my head, and I would like to share it with you. It’s very short.’

R commented that she thought something was different, but hadn’t noticed my tablet.
‘You said it’s very short, as if to say “I’m not going to keep you long.” If you wanted to play music throughout, this is your space.’

I played the excerpt, then R asked if I could turn it up slightly and play it again. I did so, and when it finished, she asked me what it meant to me. I stumbled over my words and swatted the Critic away a couple of times.
‘You are really fighting with the Critic today, but you are winning.’

Eventually, I said that the song spoke to me about being utterly alone with something nobody else understands.
‘Chris had a deep understanding of the song, and I didn’t, but now…It’s different, but the song means a lot.’
‘The bit before you tunred it off…was that something about a cloud? I am not going to pretend I heard the lyrics.’ I passed her a printed version.

‘We’ve talked about your bubble. Is that what being alone with it was like for you?’
‘Can we change tenses?’

‘Sorry, as I said it…Is.’

We talked about how Chris’ absence was the catalyst for all this, then R gave me a time warning.
‘Going forward…my magical thinking really pisses me off.’
‘Magical thinking?’

‘Wishing that this could be any different than it is.’

R asked whether I wanted support in thinking it could be different. I replied that I want help in dealing with what is present right now. ‘This is the only place I feel safe enough to face those feelings.’
‘While you were talking then, I had an image of a wave. Once the wave breaks, it is calm again. So it is more about moving towards those feelings?’

‘Yes.’

R said that she felt I was better able to access that deep space when she sat in front of me. She has been having physio for back issues, but confirmed that she is now happy to move if that is what I need.
‘I remember. I hadn’t wanted to ask.’
‘No, so I just thought I would break that.’
We did another breathing exercise to finish, focusing on relieving some of the tension in my shoulders.