I idolized my abuser and repressed the memories of the abuse. He has been dead since I was 8. I held very fond memories of him until recently when the abuse memories surfaced. I am angry I was abused, but not at him specifically. I can see it from a multitude of angles. I can see what led to his behavior. I'm not justifying and I no longer idolize him. I needed to understand the possible reasons for 'why' though. No child sets his or her sights on growing into those types of behaviors. Something terrible happens along the way and the cycle is repeated. It ends with me though.