I am so very, very sorry you are suffering, Bookworm. It is heartbreaking.

Others here have posted things and I really don't have anything better to offer. I am worried for your safety. Please do not do anything to harm yourself. It would be so, so sad and tragic if you were lost!

I notice that you live in the United States. The US of A has a National Suicide Prevention Helpline. I just did an internet search and the telephone number is 800-273-8255. Please call this number or go to a hospital emergency department if you are in danger of ending your life. I would not want to see anything bad happen to you!

-- Yaowen