
Feb 21, 2020, 10:35 AM
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Member Since: Mar 2015
Location: Among the stars
Posts: 405
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Hello all. It's been a while. I hope you've been well. I'm not sure if this is the right forum. I just didn't know where to post because there's so many things going on.
I had a rough childhood. I have trauma and I've grown up in rough neighborhoods, so I had to grow up quickly. I've always been mature for my age. However, it's all beginning to hit me the older I get.
I'm in my late 20s and I'm really beginning to notice that I didn't have a good childhood. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It just...was. I was always focused on being perfect, on succeeding, on being the best from a very young age, since elementary school. All of this while trying to survive in a tough neighborhood and dealing with an abusive relative.
I'm just really confused. Physically I'm in my late 20s but mentally I still feel like someone in their late teens.
I've also come to terms with my gender identity and that also contributes to me feeling like I didn't have much of a childhood.
I'm not sure how to deal with all of this. I've never let myself go, I have a hard time being silly in front of everyone, I'm very self-conscious, I'm very stiff and rigid, I'm socially anxious (which also really affected my childhood and early 20s; it's still affecting me). I just hide myself a lot.
And then I'm stuck in a job that I hate. I'm grateful for an income but it's a horrible job. I work on a hotline and the people who call us are straight up abusive and the employees aren't protected as much as we should be. So it's bringing up all of my childhood issues and trauma. 
I have a few close friends who are great but because I've always been in survival mode, I feel like I have to go at everything alone. I wish I had a squad, a group of friends. My friends all have conflicting personalities so hanging out in a group wouldn't be the best idea. I just wish I had a group of friends like my other friends do. They all have their own squad and I'm by myself. =/
I'm not too sure where I'm going with this. All what I know is that I'm getting older and I'm missing a childhood I didn't really have. I'm getting older and I'm trying to find my way into a career that I truly like. And I'm getting older and don't know how much longer I'll have to wait until I can get gender affirmation surgery. I know, I sound like I'm 80something and not in my late 20s but it's still bothering me. Things just seem overwhelming and impossible at times, even though I know they're not. =/
Is there anyone else who felt like they didn't have too much of a childhood due to experiencing some form for abuse/trauma? Or is there anyone here who feels like they have to go at things alone even though they have close friends? Or is there just anyone out there who has felt the same way, in general?
If you read all of this, thanks a lot. <3
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~nonbinary trans individual with they/them pronouns who desires to be a knight in shining armor~
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