My Birthday went fine-- all plans fell through, which I as grateful for. That sounds weird, right? I wasn't up for a party. I didn't want to be around a bunch of family and friends and force hours of "fun" to happen. I just didn't want to deal with it. Well, lots of them couldn't come because of sickness so I spent a birthday with my mom and we went out to eat, came home, ate some cake and went to bed. It really was all I was wanting all along. It may be partially depression but the added stress of that situation just was too much. I truly am glad nothing happened in the end.

I came home early from work today. I got a bad quality check on a phone call. Well, it's my second one. I am very stressed out today and I was afraid of failing another monitor due to my major anxiety. I know leaving isn't a solution to the anxiety, but it's something I could afford to do and I needed it for my health. Before I continue let me explain to you the circumstance. I am in a period called "nesting", this is for my second round (new level of service) of training. Nesting is on the production floor "training"-- actually taking calls and assisting etc. Neither issue raised is major or much more than "coaching" required. But the reason they get "red flagged" is because my test scores in training were good. I had an 100% average so the higher your score, the less you're allowed to "pass with". Someone with a lower score is expected to make a few more mistakes and get graded a bit more leniently (that is -- maybe one minor mistake won't "red flag" them) It's kind of a crazy system but the idea is to help you. I'm not upset about being red flagged -- issues are issues, but I'm upset with myself that I keep making issues for myself. This job is hard enough and if I keep making mistakes they could result in major issues. Payouts or termination. Now we are nowhere near those two things right now. The issues were minor but had to be addressed but it strikes the fear button in my heart that I'm gonna end up making this situation worse than what it is. I just have to get through Monday and Tuesday next week before I see my psychiatrist. Maybe some med tweaks is whats in order to help with both depression and anxiety. We will see how that goes I guess. I don't currently take anything for anxiety, just a mood stabilizer, antidepressant and anti-psychotic.


I just hope I find peace this weekend. I feel so stressed and all I want to do is sleep. Maybe that's the best solution for me - sleep.