I try to, I think. I bring it up sometimes, trying to work through confusing events, with my therapist and girlfriend. I could do brainspotting, though then I would have to address it due to it being thrown forward in my mind so I could see it. I miss when I didn't care to get better sometimes and just drank it down with brown, but then again I don't. My girlfriend wouldn't stand for that, not to mention my body feels better without the alcohol. I'm not that guy, anyway, and truly never was. I was always too "soft" to be him and could only manage to look like I was that guy when I would get drunk. I digress.

Other bad habits come up in my mind before I even consider working through these memories. Many of them I only understand so much. Attempting to understand has only lead to darker waters, hosting creatures that easily yank me under to drown inside the trauma. Trauma, trauma, trauma. Trauma likely caused this. Trauma likely caused that. It always comes back to trauma. A question of how much trauma could actually cause; how severe would the trauma must be; it's often brought up by my own thoughts and voices. It wasn't until the questions were asked by a professional that rumination over the questions began. And only after they began did my own voices bring up little things. Little triggers to set off memories. Even my psychosis is now bullying me into flashbacks.

Triggers need to be addressed, yet when I try I feel as if I'm caught in a fishing net. A creature keeps a hold on me and I'm now entirely trapped, consumed by awful things. There are things I've managed to discuss, there are things I've managed to write out on this site. Nothing seems to properly address what actually worked on my mind and reconditioned it, or even became the original conditioning. The drowning has become all I can think about now; that I'm trapped in between trying to be brought to the surface, and the creature's teeth digging into my flesh- trying so hard to pull me deep. I want to be free, for the current to take me further away, but I'm not going anywhere it seems. Getting away is a fantasy.

These memories seem too awful to discuss with anyone. The details will come up with me because I go back there, even in conversation. How can anyone handle those details? The things I would bring up... no one understands that ****. Being abused- sexually, physically, emotionally, neglected -the way I was, sold a few times for whatever time was paid for and made to feel like I was an animal if not nothing at all; there are no words to convey that. There's no way a person can handle the things I would say. They wouldn't want to, not truly. It's not only me who cannot address it all. My brain cracked, what else does anyone need to know? But how can I face it at all? I feel alone and surrounded by people offering their hand at the same time. My touch is poison....

I'm rambling. Thank you for reading.

-MT