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lizardlady · Feb 22, 2020 at 12:04 AM

Quote:

I guess the obvious question ought to be: For those of you who decided to leave an abusive relationship, what was it that convinced you to make that decision? What broke the illusion?

Also, what didn't work?

And again, not that death isn't a real possibility, but abusers aren't nearly as powerful as they make themselves out to

I've been staying out of the threads about spouse abuse for the most part. The whole subject is a tough one for me. Some comments really bothered me, but I'm going to try to answer these questions.

I'm one of the ones who decided to leave. There was no thunderclap of a decision to go. Instead it was a glacially slow process. I didn't even realize I was being abused until my therapist asked me how often my husband abused me. I answered without thinking and said "He only hit me twice." Yeah, sitting on the outside looking in that's crazy sounding, but by that point I thought I deserved it.

Staying was complicated. I ran a business from our farm. I couldn't just leave. I had to be there for business. I also had to be there to care for the animals.
On an emotional level I couldn't leave. I thought if I just did whatever needed to be done to fix things it would be okay. On some level I believed I deserved the abuse. And the idea of being on my own scared the ever loving h e l l out of me. During a counseling session my therapist tried to get me to say ",I deserve to be treated with love and respect." I could not get the words out. I literally could not say the words out loud. But man alive I would repeat them in my head like a mantra when I got scared.

Finances were also a major obstacle. I had my own business but it did not generate enough money for me to live on. I decided I needed to go back to school for a new career. I still tell people I went back to school for a new career because I was afraid of being permanently injured in the business (I trained horses). The real reason was and still is to have enough income to support myself.

What helped me was damned hard work learning I did deserve to be treated with love and respect. Learning that I did NOT deserve to live in fear. That I did NOT deserve to be hurt.

There's been a lot of talk about brainwashing of the person abused. It took hindsight for me to realize that. It was years of chipping away at my self worth that got me beaten down so far.

My husband was killed in an accident before I was able to leave. For a long time I was so angry because the chance leave was taken away from me. I felt like he took one more thing from me. Yes, I know that is not rational.

As for what didn't work... telling me to get out. Saying that women who leave are strong. The message behind that is "you're weak for staying." It was taking every last bit of courage I had one to make the internal changes I needed to make before I could leave. Yelling at someone who stays just compounds the problem. People saying "she should just leave" also compounds the problem. Don't judge another until you've walked in their shoes.

Fear of being killed is very real. My husband's abuse was mostly verbal and emotional, but I was terrified he was going to kill me.

One last thing, my husband has been dead 20 years. I am unwilling to get into another relationship. In part because I love the life I've made for myself and don't want to have to make room for someone else. But more than that I don't trust myself not to end up back in another abusive relationship.