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Originally Posted by lizardlady
I've been staying out of the threads about spouse abuse for the most part. The whole subject is a tough one for me. Some comments really bothered me, but I'm going to try to answer these questions.
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Thanks for answering. Your comments were very insightful.
Speaking of, I realize that I can be a bit insensitive to these kinds of things what with the dearth of complex emotions, so feel free to yell at me if I'm getting too blunt with the questioning.
Nonetheless, I still feel this is an important discussion to have. I recently tried advising someone who was in a horrifically abusive relationship, and it didn't end well. That isn't a mistake I want to repeat.
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My husband was killed in an accident before I was able to leave. For a long time I was so angry because the chance leave was taken away from me. I felt like he took one more thing from me. Yes, I know that is not rational.
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It isn't irrational. Or if it is, it's still understandable that you'd feel robbed of the opportunity to make that choice. Victims of abuse have already had so many choices taken away, so it makes sense that they'd be sensitive to anything which tries to further disempower them, which is why...
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As for what didn't work... telling me to get out. Saying that women who leave are strong. The message behind that is "you're weak for staying." It was taking every last bit of courage I had one to make the internal changes I needed to make before I could leave. Yelling at someone who stays just compounds the problem. People saying "she should just leave" also compounds the problem. Don't judge another until you've walked in their shoes.
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...this makes a lot of sense. From the perspective of someone who has their entire life micromanaged, they're probably going to be hyper-sensitive to any other attempt to coerce or manipulate them. When everyone around them starts getting pushy, calling them weak, yelling, etc., to the victim of abuse, it's just more attempts to control what they do.
To be fair, I don't think anyone intends to start yelling at victims of abuse in an attempt to convince them to leave. That's born out of frustration and fear, not a planned strategy. Not that it's an excuse. Just sayin'.
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But more than that I don't trust myself not to end up back in another abusive relationship.
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Makes sense that you don't want to take the risk. But you don't think you'd recognize the signs now that you're more aware?