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Originally Posted by lizardlady
I've been staying out of the threads about spouse abuse for the most part. The whole subject is a tough one for me. Some comments really bothered me, but I'm going to try to answer these questions.
I'm one of the ones who decided to leave. There was no thunderclap of a decision to go. Instead it was a glacially slow process. I didn't even realize I was being abused until my therapist asked me how often my husband abused me. I answered without thinking and said "He only hit me twice." Yeah, sitting on the outside looking in that's crazy sounding, but by that point I thought I deserved it.
Staying was complicated. I ran a business from our farm. I couldn't just leave. I had to be there for business. I also had to be there to care for the animals.
On an emotional level I couldn't leave. I thought if I just did whatever needed to be done to fix things it would be okay. On some level I believed I deserved the abuse. And the idea of being on my own scared the ever loving h e l l out of me. During a counseling session my therapist tried to get me to say ",I deserve to be treated with love and respect." I could not get the words out. I literally could not say the words out loud. But man alive I would repeat them in my head like a mantra when I got scared.
Finances were also a major obstacle. I had my own business but it did not generate enough money for me to live on. I decided I needed to go back to school for a new career. I still tell people I went back to school for a new career because I was afraid of being permanently injured in the business (I trained horses). The real reason was and still is to have enough income to support myself.
What helped me was damned hard work learning I did deserve to be treated with love and respect. Learning that I did NOT deserve to live in fear. That I did NOT deserve to be hurt.
There's been a lot of talk about brainwashing of the person abused. It took hindsight for me to realize that. It was years of chipping away at my self worth that got me beaten down so far.
My husband was killed in an accident before I was able to leave. For a long time I was so angry because the chance leave was taken away from me. I felt like he took one more thing from me. Yes, I know that is not rational.
As for what didn't work... telling me to get out. Saying that women who leave are strong. The message behind that is "you're weak for staying." It was taking every last bit of courage I had one to make the internal changes I needed to make before I could leave. Yelling at someone who stays just compounds the problem. People saying "she should just leave" also compounds the problem. Don't judge another until you've walked in their shoes.
Fear of being killed is very real. My husband's abuse was mostly verbal and emotional, but I was terrified he was going to kill me.
One last thing, my husband has been dead 20 years. I am unwilling to get into another relationship. In part because I love the life I've made for myself and don't want to have to make room for someone else. But more than that I don't trust myself not to end up back in another abusive relationship.
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That's quite a story of struggle and survival and thanks for sharing it.
Good for you for returning to school to become more financially independent.
What I see often is that women, and I will speak of only women now, often stay in an abusive relationship because of lack of finances and the the financial ability to be on their own.
I am a member of many women's abuse groups and I see this issue all too often as being the cause of not being able to leave. I hear all too often "if only I had the financial ability, I would leave in a heartbeat".
This is why I think it's SO important that women in particular become financially secure and independent, in general. And that's hard to accomplish if a woman decides to have children, and then becomes a stay-at-home mother for many years. It's difficult to re-enter the workforce and earn a high rate of pay, unless she went to law school or was a doctor of MBA graduate.
It's a really tough predicament, especially for women.
I've always been lucky because I've always had a fallback with my family OR I've been independent enough where I've been able to leave an abusive situation.