I am quite an introvert, with raging social anxiety, I can take only so many people in my life. It's very hard lonely life. I am lonely but I don't know how to find people, and how to be good with them, and how to make friends. I had one friend, who is male, I am woman, for long, long time. After some time I fell in love with him and I always felt like he is the one, the closest to me, like we have a special bond. He was always very nice to me, treated me well, when we are together, we could talk about everything, we knew everything about each other, I could tell him all about him and even our physical bond was awesome. it looked like I had a best friend and a lover in one, like perfect connection. Except it wasn't.
We never saw each other too often. Once-twice a week, for few hours, he never slept over, I never was at his place. No he wasn't married, he never was (I was, and I have a child), he lives with his parents since always, he is 50 now. I don't resent him for that, he has no money, he helps them in chores, it is ok. They "don't approve me" as he says. Anxious as I am, I never wanted to intrude, so I respected that, I don't want to bother them. I am not good with people anyway, and I tend to escape if someone doesn't like me. I know them, I know his situation through common friends so it's not a lie. It's just who he is. being single mom, who works full time and more, I never have much time myself, and I don't want to marry again so it was ok to me. I did not have much time anyway. And it's hard to explain but we did have special bond. I invested so much into him, all I had, except for my child of course, I lost all other friends and I am basically alone. Everything revolves around him. He is strange person. He is an artist he invested everything into his work, but honestly it's not going well. He says he just wants to work work to have leave as much as possible of his work. And his parents enable him to do that.
I on the other hand, always felt a bit like I am something on the side. he finds few hours for me in his busy schedule with work and parents to squeeze me into and he says it's the most he can do. And I believe him. But, I always knew I will be less important than his work and his parents.
Until they god sick. They are both over 80, and they are basically not able to take care of themselves and need 24 hour care. He has no money so he is caring for them. It all took a large tool on him. He started becoming distant, nagged that I ask too much of him (to see him once in a while, to be nr one at leas once in my life for someone, to have a future, even in 10 years or 20, to be loved), that he can't handle his situation and he is becoming bad person. He won't let me near them, not when they were healthy even less now, and me, being afraid of people anyway, of course, I don't even try.
It got worse, he stopped contacting me. First he was just writing me messages how bad is at his home. Complaining. I get it, but no life is a fairy tale. Then, when I told him I am miserable and I feel rejected and not important to him, he stopped messaging me. He stop inviting me, and stopped seeing me. It happened before also, but now it's worse. I am feeling so tired and rejected so many many times, and like I invested 12 years of my life, my BEST years, my love, my time, my all, into wrong person. Who does not love me, who never loved me. Who was nice to me because he "felt bad" and didn't want to hurt me. Who was actually more not by my side than he was.
I have my child, but she is an adult now, and soon will be leaving for college, I will be completely alone. I will not stop her to have her own life. I won't do to her what his parents let him do to them and to him and now to me.
But I am alone now, 47, no friends, no life, no light, my health is declining, I feel if I get sick I will just die. There is no one to help me, take care of me, and I would never ever ask my child to put her life and youth on waiting for me. And I feel like a such a fool to invest my all into one man. Who told me from the start he will never leave his parents and he will never stop working all day every day even if he earns nothing at all.
Am I a fool? What did I do to myself and why? how do you love someone deeply and they don't love you back, they just don't care where are you and how are you. I know this is forbidden to write but sometimes... you know. Maybe I just shouldn't exist. I am weirdo, no one likes me.
How how people just leave someone who was their best friend, who loved them deeply and without boundaries? With explanation that their life is too hard now and they need to produce as much work to leave behind when they die.