Most of my friends left the country or live their own life, everyone is busy, and it felt like no one really cares about me so I just let them go. I don't even know what to do about it. I am incompetent at socialization. Now I am so tired, depressed and over the top insecure I can't even meet people and I feel like no one likes me. If a person I gave the best of me doesn't care, how will anyone else? I don't even have time for classes or hobbies. I do write and draw some but I do it alone. Maybe it is not fair to say I left my friends because of him. They just live their lives, they don't call me, and most live in other countries far away. It's just how it happened. People mostly don't like me, it's hard to make friends for me. I am unlikable, very. Women don't like me, I just want to have girlfriend but most of women my age already have life long friendships. They don't need me. Men, they mostly just want to have physical relationship with me. They don't even hide it. Those that are interested look like they would settle for any woman, just to "score". I feel like I don't need that. I am not that desperate. I just want to be a little bit special to someone, not just "one woman who said yes" from many who said no. It's humiliating.
Well, he was my boyfriend, we had a special bond, we could talk about everything, and I could tell him anything. He is smart, funny, he used to make me laugh, and he looked like he loved me. But in time, as we got older, he god colder and distant more and more. I knew he will never be with me, not as much as I wanted but he acted like he really loved me, I can't write now how. PRoblem is, life goes, we got older and older and problems started with age, health problems, money, disappointments, all that. When people live together, they work on that together. This way, we just distanced even more and more. I don't know why he wants to live with his parents so much. I don't even think they want him there. He wants probably all time to focus on his art. I told him he is missing life but he doesn't see it that way. I traveled, and lived as much as I could, without him. But I am getting older and I feel any of us could die now. And that is it?
At this age, I feel to tired, to old and too depressed to look for someone else. I did few dates even but it was awful. One man lied he is divorced while he was married, some openly didn't like me (which is fine, I did not like them too), one was too excited and wanted to "do it in his car" at first date, one is sweet and I like him but he drinks too much and smokes too much and seems like trouble... I am lost. Should I just give up and be alone?
I am such a fool... A giant fool.