Thanks for responding, nikon. Thank you for sharing.

As for me waiting to see whether or not I have cancer, there isn't anyone close by. I have hid it from my mother, for now, and I did tell a couple of faraway friends. I don't really have any close friends here now that I've moved back...

Today, I called the crisis line and took a dose of antipsychotic and ativan and went to sleep.

I see my therapist this week and the psychiatrist next week.

Right now, now that I've just woke up, I feel that I can get something productive done ... like take the (many) bags of garbage out... when I'm not feeling well, I tend to not be able to keep up with housework.

I don't want to tell my mother what I'm going through and that I might have to go to hospital again, because she can't deal with the fact that I have mental illness and relapse. She says things like, "This again!" "I thought you were over that!" So, I feel blamed and shamed ... don't want to deal with that right now.