Hi guys, I have amnesia, in fact I have been diagnosed with dissociative amnesia, induced by childhood abuse. I was not diagnosed with CPTSD specifically, but my T told me my disorders are all post-traumatic in their origin, and my profile, with all other diagnosis (GAD, DP/DR, somatization disorder etc.) pretty much ticks all the boxes. I am 44, and started re membering my pre-10 year old childhood a bit more than a year ago. It was and it is still agonizing. However, a year ago I was in a state of complete dissolution of personality and mind. I lived as if I were submerged in translucent gelatine, seeing and hearing everything around me with an incredible effort, and sometimes just losing my grip on reality. I am a little bit better now, but it goes in cycles.
I resisted the flooding of memories sooo bad, and it was not purposefully, as I wanted to remember. In response to newly revealed memories, I would suddenly have a black out, then I would be totally depersonalized, then I would be myself in some other time and of different age, I was tossed to moments in my life, and I swear one of these days I felt as I am in the 80s, knowing all the movies and the music and the trends, it was just like Tom Henks in “Big”, just the other way round. (this is a reference for us “older” folks😊)
I do not want to speed up the process of remembering. I understand the cycle, as someone already mentioned, of remembering, then integrating the memories, then having a bit of time to recuperate before the next round. I realize that I cannot stand more than I can stand. I have my dissociation to cut in whenever it seems too much. And I did not like my dissociation so far, and this terrible feeling of leaving your mind, and seeing yourself and the world from some remote corner of consciousness where the light are still on, but only barely. However, I know that dissociation saved me from the unbearable, so I do have gratitude towards this remarkable coping mechanism. I saved myself, I soothed myself, I protected myself. I never felt more alone then when I realized that, after recovering some of my traumatic memories, but I never felt more proud of myself. I did that. I was the one who saved me. No one else did.
I feel for all of you who had to do the same. And I am incredibly proud of you too.
All the best, and take care,
A.