From what you wrote you sound really scared of disappointing him. I grew up being terrified of my father. I would rehearse what I wanted to say multiple times before I approach him (especially money matters). I would try and see what mood he’s in and try to speak at the perfect moment (it was always difficult to tell). But I believe it was because my dad had a temper but more than that, all I wanted was for him to love me and accept me. So I feared receiving rejection from him. Sometimes I would talk myself out of voicing my opinion if I felt it would start a debate or confrontation. That’s how much I didn’t want to compromise how he saw me.

This led me to substance abuse and now I’m on the recovery side (yay!). But honestly, being a people pleaser, or seeking to be seen, loved, validated, approved by someone is suppressing your needs, your voice, your desires. It’s not worth the toxic life it brings. Most of the times I believe the people’s we are trying to please don’t even notice our effort and how much energy it takes for us to just be normal around them.

For me this was my dad, so I couldn’t break up with him. But to be in a relationship with someone is a choice. I sincerely hope you see that this relationship is toxic for you. You shouldn’t be scared of your partner or feel the need to be more than who you are around them. They should be your safe place. ❤️