Hi everyone.

Please go easy on me I’m very fragile, I need some raw perspective and some kind words on what’s happened in the last week.

I have been in a relationship with a truly wonderful man over the past 14 months. Soul mate stuff, it’s been incredible. I’ve had the best year of my life with him, we have merged our families and he does everything for me. Very loving, obsessively so sometimes, really does show to worship the ground I walk on. I’m never left without feeling loved or cared for. We are very close, have been since before we got together, in a best friend kind of way too which is lovely. It is very different to the relationships I’ve been in in the past, and from other relationships too... kind of like how twins are, very alike, each other’s halves.... We’re hardly without each other. I can tell him anything and I felt he could to me also.

I’ve had a really bad past with relationships in my life where my trust has been broken numerous times. He’s known about my past and he knows how I feel about lying - with my bipolar amplifying everything too, to put it simply - I cannot mentally handle someone lying to me. Not at all. I’d rather not be here than feel the way I do when I feel betrayed it’s that intense, I get extremely mentally ill and closed off from it. I’ve had a lot of therapy in the past due to my lack of trust in everyone and everything around me.

When I met him I was in a bad place and something clicked. I finally allowed myself to be made vulnerable and trust. It was lovely, such a sigh of relief to feel the freedom from whole trust. Again, he knows this.

Last week, I found out something about his past that was very hard for me to take. Upsetting to hear, my anxiety was at an all time high but at the same time it was something that came with me questioning his morals as a person.

I called him and asked him that it was very important for him not to lie, not to waffle on, not to cover anything up but to tell me straight what happened so I can try and accept this and move on from it. He’s not done anything to me directly that’s important to explain. He’s been very good to me since I met him. He explained and I understood however hard it was to take, because I had been in a similar place myself (although this was worse) so I could understand the reasons behind his actions.

I had a really bad day with anxiety and feeling sick from it, I told him I didn’t want to see him that evening, that I could barely look at him and to give me some time.

But something didn’t sit right with me. I’m very sensitive and my intuition is very strong - I am hardly wrong when it hits me and it was screaming at me. The next day I questioned him again. Yes, he kind of lied to me and didn’t tell me the whole thing at the time I had asked. There was more to it.

I have been having nightmares and panic attacks with all the anxiety I have been feeling over it all since. It wasn’t necessary the act he did himself. Everyone has a past and I feel it could be something I could get over with a built on trust and trying not to worry in time. It’s the fact he didn’t tell me straight when I told him that’s what I needed from him.

He told me he was so sorry he just panicked and he was ashamed of himself and scared of losing me. He ended up self harming that night (o found out the day after) due to his shame and this obviously put more hurt on the situation.

A few days have gone by and I am really struggling with the hurt and the anger. I feel like he has taken our perfect relationship and given me this whole new perspective on him and I am so angry it’s been ruined. I’m struggling adjusting to the new ‘him’ that I see before me. And the trust I have never had all my life and finally got back, he’s taken that away from me.

I love this man so much with the air that I breathe and I want to be there and love him unconditionally, I do, he never denied anything he just didn’t tell me the whole extent at the time I asked him. I want to help him heal and grow as a person as we have been doing with each other since we met. I am just so hurt from the broken trust thing and I’m struggling to get past this. What can I do? Can anyone offer some kind words? Some advice?

I don’t feel that he’d every hurt me and repeat events but I’m flipping through alternate realities every hour of the way between ‘he loves me and would never harm me’ to ‘but I don’t know this as a fact now’ and it sucks