Thank you all for support, and thank you, Twiglight for sent hugs.
No, I don't like to be alone. But I have been bullied and abused most of my life and I am tired. There was one person I thought genuinelly liked me and I was wrong again. I was called names, emotinally abused, I was treated badly by so many people, since I was 11 or 12, I am so so tired... I can't do this anymore. I really can't. I always tried my best. I finished colege, I work for 20+ years, I published novel (soon the second), which no one reads but some people called "trash" anyway. I had tried so much, I loved, I tried to be friend, I worked my whole life, and I tried to get help so many times. Paid for therapists, engaged in sports, hobbies... nothing. I was called cruel, horrible person, stupid, clumsy, non worthy, etc all without any given reason!
I am so tired, I just want to be home and sleep, but I need to work. I want not to need people, not to need anyone. ever. I want to like to be alone and not give a care what anyone thinks of me.
I have a daughter, but I have seen so many women like me who gave up people and took their daughters as their "best friend" for life, which made those daughters co-dependent on mothers and with no life on their own. And I can see what happened to my boyfriend and his attachment to his parents. I do not want to do this to my kid. She is goind to have her own happy life and I just hope, she will not be like me.
Sometimes, I just can't deal with this anymore. FEeling like whole world just despises you with no given reason ever.