Trigger warning- SI and action

I had no idea the stress I’ve been under was affecting me so badly. Yesterday I took more benzos than usual. It made me calm initially then very agitated and impulsive. My partner went out the front to have a cigarette and disappeared for an hour. Prior to that I had told him I was struggling to breath. He tried to calm me, thought I was ok then went out. As he disappeared with no notice I freaked. I was actively suicidal and had to curl in a ball to stop the stong impulse to act. When my partner came home rage consumed me and I’m ashamed to say I pushed him against the wall and yelled at him uncontrollably.

Suddenly I poured my pills in my mouth. My partner swiftly pulled them all out my mouth before they dissolved. I didn’t want to die. It was an impulsive act. After a talk and hugs with him I calmed down. I apologised profusely. He kindly forgave me and apologised for leaving without notice. He wanted to take me to hospital but I refused.

That incident has freaked me out. I am not a violent person. Circumstances are pushing me over the edge, and now maybe some PTSD and/or Bipolar has been triggered. I start university tomorrow. Oddly I’m less exhausted than before today. Maybe it was a cathartic release. I’m still agitated today so I have finished my errands and have taken some Seroquel, my prn for agitation, to calm me.

Hopefully the worst is over. My Mum is coming over today. My partner had to work today. I think I’ll be ok as long as this isn’t the beginning of a mixed state. I see my T on Wednesday. I hope he doesn’t make me go to hospital. I want to live. I’m just very irritable and easily provoked.