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Cjx432 · 08:40 PM

Hi

Let me start by prefacing that this is my first post. 20 male I'm not sure if this is the right place to post. Sorry if it isn't

I'm currently in distress right now. I've got nowhere to be heard except for these kinds of forums. Throughout these months I've been dealing with what I suspect is POCD, or pedophile obsessed ocd as it's not formally diagnosed. As a result, I started medication and was actually doing pretty good. However, there is something that doesn't let me live freely. TRIGGERING CONTENT AHEAD

Possible trigger:

One time, when I was a teen, I was made to play with the host's son at a Christmas party. We were sitting across from one another and I started to notice his groin. At the moment, I'm sure thoughts started to run through my head of setting up a scenario for possibly molesting that kid, such as closing the door to the bedroom and asking him to "show me". This all happened in my head, however. I was in a semi catatonic state going through these mental motions. I'm pretty sure nothing physical happened.

However, I cant really remember what happened. I cant remember if I committed a crime or if I intended to do so. Every time I remember more or less and the story changes every time. I'm currently under heavy anxiety and dont know what to do. Im feeling suicidal. I'm sure I didn't do anything, but I wish I could time travel and remember if I would've actually committed a crime or if I did.

Whenever a child is in my presence, my movements are methodical and robot like. I start to feel faint and be super conscious about something, weather its breathing or eating. I feel compelled to notice a child or their body. It feels like my brain is its own entity with it's own needs. I've posted to countless forums waiting for an answer but I'm still not sure.

I dont masturbate when I notice a child or teen, it actually causes anger and distress. I've had fantasies that are inappropriate before but they never work, and if they do, I end up getting semi erect. I use this as proof to determine that I'm a pedo or not.

That being said I've never had fantasies regarding children or teens before this so I dont understand why its here or whh right now.

I need you guys to be honest. Should I turn myself over to the police? Be blunt.